Tonight on 24 we pick up with Agent Renee Lohan-Walker down in dumps, both figuratively and literally. Figuratively, because she is upset that the only way she could get hickey from the dreamy Jack Bauer was from a Glock 19 at point blank range. And literally, because Jack and Tony wrapped her in a Hefty bag and buried her in a landfill.
Bill Buchanan and Chloe pull up, apparently perturbed that Jack and Tony threw her out instead of recycling. They dig her up, but she is not breathing. Bill promptly tears her blouse open, and I am half excited to possibly see some cleavage and half mortified that Bill Buchanan might be some kind of sick necrophiliac. But Bill takes a page out of John Travolta’s book in Pulp Fiction and before you can say “Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon”, he gives her an “Uma Thurman” right to the heart with an adrenalin needle.
Meanwhile in the van, Jack gets Emerson to finally explain what happened when Tony supposedly died at the hand of Christopher Henderson in Season Five. Yes, it’s just plain ridiculous, but I don’t care because this show is better with Tony than without him. So I guess that Henderson purposely missed Tony’s artery when he stabbed him with the needle so that he could be revived by Emerson and used against Jack. That is until Henderson was killed and the plan went to hell. Then Tony decided to stay on with Emerson’s crew because of his disdain for the government. Of course, this means that Henderson anticipated, and even planned, that Tony would disobey orders and sneak down to his cell to kill him back when he was in custody. Whatever.
Just repeat the 24-oholics mantra and you’ll get through this. “Suspension of belief. Suspension of belief. Go with the flow. Go with the flow.”
Back at the White House, the President is at it, yet again, with her Chief of Staff, Ethan Kanin. They continue to debate the withdrawal of the troops in Sangala. Considering this guy was the warden in the Shawshank Redemption, there is no way I trust him. However, his warnings prove to be true when Dubaku orders two planes to collide, using the magical CIP device. And this thing is so precise that they can actually cause the collision right outside the President’s window.
This triggers an emergency cabinet meeting, where everyone agrees that they should give into the terrorists, except the President. She wants to hold out until there is absolutely no hope left of retrieving Matobo. Warden Shawshank wonders if maybe her husband can knock some sense into his woman, but the First Hubby unavailable. You see, his evil Secret Service Agent slipped him a super-dose of Viagra and he’s stiff as a board and unable to stand up when Samantha walks in the apartment where he is being held captive. (Admit it. Every guy watching has been there himself at one time or another.)
Samantha is promptly stabbed and killed by Agent Gedge, who then tries to stage a suicide by stabbing the First Hubby, but eventually resorts to a hanging, because it aides the feng shui of the apartment much better. Luckily, the Viagra wears off just in time and the First Hubby pushes them both over the rail. The First Hubby lands on Gedge much like Austin Powers used Robin Swallows (maiden name Spitz) to cushion his fall in The Spy Who Shagged Me.
Meanwhile, Agent Lohan discovers that she has been rescued by the A Team… or actually the J Team; an elite team that operates outside the law to help the oppressed. You’ve got the silver haired leader, Hannibal Buchannan, Templeton Bauer, the Face-Man, tough guy B.A. Almeida and Howlin’ Mad O’Brien, the wild card.
At one point, Emerson tries to kill Jack, and holds him at gun point in front of Tony. Jack tells Tony to take the shot. Just take the shot. So Tony takes the damn shot and gives Emerson a terrible hickey. Emerson tells Tony to go to hell, and then proceeds to send himself there first.
Jack convinces Matobo and his wife to allow themselves to be turned over to Emerson’s boss, Nichols. When Nichols arrives, Tony informs him that he has killed Jack and Emerson in order to keep the diamonds for himself. (You see, Tony is living in a material world, and he is a material girl.) But when Nichols tries to kill Tony, Jack takes the damn shot from his hidden position and they take out Nichols men. They keep the diamonds and allow Nichols to live and also take Matobo, so they can track him with Chloe’s embedded micro-chip.
However, Dubaku is not just sitting idly waiting for Nichols to come back. Because the President has still not pulled out her troops, he decides to use the magical CIP device on a small town in Ohio. What does he have planned? We’ll just have to wait until next week to see.
In the meantime, please keep in mind tonight’s lesson from the J Team. Always remember to recycle. You won’t just save the planet; you also might save a life.
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