Sunday, August 3, 2008

The Starbucks Code

This morning I went to Starbucks to grab a cup of coffee. I forgot just how freaking annoying those places can be. I haven’t been to Starbucks in a while, so it took me a minute to remember their stupid Da Vinci Code of coffee sizes. I was spacing on what the hell a “large” was in Latin, Italian or whatever dialect that is.

Then, like Tom Hanks in the shadow of Sir Isaac Newton’s tomb, I deduced that “Venti” was the word for large. Triumphantly, I spoke the password and expected to gain access to this secret society of caffeine. Unfortunately, the cranky chick at the counter… I mean “Barista”, did not understand what I said so I had to repeat myself. It’s bad enough to have to say it once, but there was something about saying “Venti” a second time that really pissed me off. Now they are just messing with me. Ordering coffee should not be like playing Simon Sez.

I don’t know why we have to speak another language to order coffee at Starbucks. Maybe it’s more like The Da Vinci Code than we know. Perhaps Baristas are descendants of the Knights Templar, and they are protecting the secret of the Holy Grail. Except the Holy Grail wasn’t Mary Magdalene, it actually was a cup… of strong, over-priced coffee. It was a Venti with three squirts of vanilla syrup; one for each member of the Holy Trinity. Who knows? Maybe the Holy Grail had a cardboard sleeve around it to keep Christ’s hand insulated from the hot coffee. I wonder if Jesus had to use a sticker to cover the hole in the lid to keep the coffee from spitting out all over his hand on the way home.

This kind of thing doesn’t happen at Dunkin Donuts or Donut Delight. It’s much simpler. The only foreign language there is spoken by the employees, not the customers. And they will even add the cream and sugar for you. No need to contemplate if Sugar in the Raw is somehow healthier than the regular stuff. And I never have deal with moral dilemmas, like whether pouring a small portion of my coffee into the garbage to make room for milk is a sin or not.

Okay, maybe I am over reacting. I didn’t mean to get as angry as that crazy albino in the movie. Cut me some slack, I haven’t had my coffee yet.

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