Great Summer Reading with a Dark Twist

Issue two of Dark Dossier magazine is out and this time it's got twice as many Monster Men.

Pick up this issue for an article from Hunter Shea about the Montauk Monster and my piece on why "Hannibal" is a show you should be devouring. Plus a ton of great, spooky content from an assortment of fine writers.

Please support this new publication. It's available in hard copy or electronic version. 

Details at: http://www.darkdossier.com

24 Live Another Day: Ep 9. – 7 pm to 8 pm

Come to My Window

This week 24 begins at Wembley Stadium, where smoke is pouring out of the roof. Either someone has shot a missile at the field or KISS just finished their encore. It turns out the only ones rock and rolling all night are Margot Al-Harazi and her son Ian, who plan to party everyday because they think they have killed President Heller. OR DID THEY?

Ian spots a glitch in the recording and realizes they have been watching a video on loop.

 CHLOE!! That manic, goth vixen has done it again.

Poor Ian. I believe according to English law, since he missed Heller, he’s gotta kiss Heller.

So Heller is still alive… and Ian’s already dumped five out of six of their drones into the ocean. OOPS. Margot was a woman of her word it seems. Perhaps they were a little quick on the drone ditching, since they destroyed them about 30 seconds after the missile hit. Lucky for them they have one left, so they turn the last drone around and send it towards Waterloo Station. (Waterloo again? Margot must really hate ABBA.)

Belcheck

As the drone heads for London, Belcheck takes the President into hiding at Jack’s behest. Just don’t call him Belichick. He’s not the damn head coach of the Patriots. He does not even own a hoodie. It’s Belcheck. One word, like Madonna. Or Cher, or Machete, or Sting, or Bono, or Pele, or Prince, or Liberace or Charo. He’s also not an American, so he won’t take orders from the President. But he will take orders from Jack Bauer. (Little known fact, he’ll also take orders from Charo.)

Jack lets Audrey and the gang back at the residence know that Heller is alive, but there’s little time to celebrate as they’ve got to find Margot’s hideout. Chloe can get a general location, but she needs help from her buddy Adrian Cross in order to pinpoint the building. Jack heads to the location by chopper while Sexy Agent Morgan and Ritter drive over. Once there, they are met by Margot’s goons and a gun fight breaks out. Jack tells Sexy Agent Morgan to take out the fuse box because once the power is out, Chloe can tell them what floor Margot is on. So Sexy Agent Morgan, Yvonne Strahovski, “Chucks” a grenade and kills the power.

Hoochie Coochie!

Meanwhile, on the fifth floor, Ian decides it’s time to set the drones on autopilot and get the heck out of there. However, Mommy Dearest, who has not had anyone to abuse since Simone passed away, pulls a gun and tells him to get back here and finish the job. He agrees and Mommy gives him a peck on the cheek.

But the Al-Harazi love-fest is broken up when Ian spots the scariest thing he’s seen in a window since that little kid from Salem’s Lot. It’s Jack, who has landed on the roof and has repelled down the side of the building. It’s pretty cool, but it’s still not as cool as Machete’s window swing using a guy’s intestine. That still rules. (See below.)

Open the window, Ian.

Ian shoots out the window but when he takes a peek to see if he got Jack, Jack throws him out the window and he ends up taking the Bauer Express elevator to the ground floor. Then Jack climbs in, overpowers Margot and calls in to base. But the missile is about the hit Waterloo Station, so Chloe tells Jack to manually guide it with Ian’s controls. Ever the multi-tasker, Jack holds down Margot with one hand while working the joystick with the other. It’s the most impressive thing Margot’s seen since she saw Simone text and put on her make-up while driving earlier today… all without a pinky.

So the missile lands harmlessly in the water, only killing the Loch Ness Monster, who had it coming anyway. With her plans gone out the window, Margot tells Jack that thousands of people’s deaths will be on his hands because of this, but Jack insists that only her death will be on his hands and he chucks her out the window too. On 24 we call that Window Pain.

With the last drone destroyed and the President back with Audrey and the Prime Minister, it seems like all is well and it’s a happy ending. OR IS IT?

Sexy Agent Morgan gets a call and finds out that Jordan is dead. Navarro is pretty calm about the news until he finds out that the assassin’s body was also found. He can be traced back to Navarro thanks to some old government records and a ton of selfies they took together at a Madonna concert last year. They are all over Instagram.

So Navarro calls Cross on the Dr. Claw phone and Cross says he’ll help Navarro escape if he brings him the drone device. Navarro, who knows he only has limited time because Jack has called in a favor from a buddy at Langley to trace the assassin’s fingerprints so they can locate his Instagram account.

Jack has called this guy because Chloe has told him that she’s done, since the drone crisis is over. Now she’s in a car in front of a 7-11, playing tonsil hockey with Adrian Cross. But when she runs in for a Slush Puppy, Cross gets a call from Navarro. He’s choked a CIA agent and stuffed the device in a Navarro Sack and is one the run from Jack, who has found him out. Jack also has the Jack Sack on… which is so much cooler than the Navarro Sack and would beat the hell out of it in a sack race.

Navarro temporarily loses Jack and arranges to meet up with Cross, who has big plans for the device. They have reset the board as we head into the home stretch of the season.

Find Goth Chloe

We close with another round of FIND GOTH CHLOE. It’s a tough one this week. Good luck.

Thoughts, comments, feedback? Leave a comment below.

PS: Props to Brian Boyd who called the Heller thing immediately last week.

The Story of the Montauk Monster

Hunter Shea, my good buddy and fellow Monster Man, has stopped by for a guest post about the awesome live event we held this past weekend to launch his new book, The Montauk Monster. You will love the story behind his thrilling new novel and it's a great primer for the next episode of Monster Men, when we will post the video from the show. Take it away Hunter...

In Search Of The Montauk Monster 

By Hunter Shea (Twitter @HunterShea1) 

Ah, the first day of summer. Here in New York it was 80 degrees and sunny with just a hint of clouds skimming across an azure sky.

What did the Monster Men do on this wonderful solstice? Were we at the beach, tanning our pasty flesh, choking on cold salt water as we dog paddled into the breakers? Did we take in a baseball game, stuffing our gullets with sausage and peppers, thrilling at the crack of the bat and the smell of a perfectly manicured outfield? Or maybe we went tandem-paragliding over rolling meadows.

Not a freakin’ chance.

Nope, we were in a bookstore kicking off The Montauk Monster book tour, talking about, you guessed it, monsters! I’m beginning to feel like the only author who comes to signings with more audio/video equipment than a roving news van. We brought it all this time: computers, large monitor, HD video camera and professional still photography. I don’t think I’ll ever be the guy who just comes with a pen and a bookmarked page in my book to read from. Monster love requires extra gear.

This time around, Jack and I went through how the book came to be, starting with the major influence Leonard Nimoy and In Search Of had on our impressionable little minds in the 70s. That led to a fascination with all things cryptid, ghostly and alien.

Being a beautiful summer day, I was concerned that we would be talking to each other in an empty bookstore. Thank you to my posse that came out as well as some new fans of monster madness. Even honorable Monster Man Tony Ventarola was there to give his support to a great cause – selling enough books and getting a movie deal so I can leave the 9-5 world behind and take my peeps with me to the Hunter Shea compound deep in the woods of an unnamed location. But I digress.

To prepare for the event, I threw a couple of dozen pics on a Powerpoint deck and didn’t reveal a thing to Jack. When you look up the definition of ‘winging it’ there’s a picture of Jack and I scribbling 2 lines on a piece of paper before filming an episode of the Monster Men. We’ve got mad skills, like Napoleon Dynamite with a bowstaff.

In the words of the great Borat, it was great success! Books were signed, pictures were taken, hugs and handshakes were doled out. And in the end, everyone there learned a lot about the scary truth behind my fictional book. Because let me tell you, the high strangeness that goes on in certain places of Long Island are far scarier than anything I can concoct.

Keep your eyes peeled when you’re on the beach this summer (hopefully reading The Montauk Monster while you tan). The waters are home to more than fish. Sometimes, things emerge from the salt water that just shouldn’t be. Pray you’re not around when they shake the sea off their fur, hungry for the day’s special – some unfortunate person on the beach!

 

 --------

Follow Hunter Shea at www.huntershea.com and later this week look for the live Monster Men show we recorded at Barnes and Noble at www.themonstermen.net. 

Now go get a copy of The Montuak Monster!

24 Live Another Day: Ep 8. – 6 pm to 7 pm

Blown to Heller

We pick up with Simone being treated in the ICU at the CIA. (Not CTU.) (And not down with OPP.) Sexy Agent Morgan asks if they can speak with the suspect, but the doctor says no, because if they awaken her she may die. That’s seems okay to her until Jack checks in with her to get an update. They need intel from Simone as soon as possible, so Jack does not care about a little thing like death… SO WAKE THE BITCH UP!

Not one to argue, Sexy Agent Morgan pulls a gun on the reluctant doctor and forces him to wake up Simone. Simone tells them where Margot’s hideout is but says they’ll be gone by now. However, she also mentions the disc drive that Navid has hidden in the floor boards that will help them stop the drones. Sure enough, Simone kicks the bucket after she spills the beans. 

Sexy Agent Morgan’s bedside manner is starting to resemble that of Jack Bauer. They should have named her Jill, so they could have been Jack and Jill… but when these two go up the hill, it’s not to fetch a pail of water. It’s to open a can of Whoop Ass.

Dream Team

TIME OUT: Let’s quickly take a moment to pay tribute to the first female version of Jack Bauer, Renee Walker, whom I have already dubbed as both “Jacqueline Bauer” and “Sexy Agent Lohan.” God, I miss her.

Anyway, the CIA team finds Navid’s disc drive and it’s sent to Chloe, who is still working from a laptop the pub, while drunk Englishmen hit on her. Adrian Cross also calls her and he is clearly jealous that she’s helping Jack out. It’s similar to how Mark Boudreau is threatened by Jack with Audrey. That Jack Bauer is not just a terrorist killer, he’s a Ladykiller.

Meanwhile, Jack learns of Heller’s plan to surrender to Margot and opposes the idea until he learns of Heller’s health condition and impending resignation. So they hatch a scheme to sneak Heller out of the building and get him to Wembley Stadium. They recruit Mark Boudreau to help them distract the secret service and Jack gets Heller out a back door. He also straps on the Jack Sack. 

Naturally he cold cocks an agent on his way out, because that’s how we do it at CTU.

Jack and Heller hit the street and it’s still light out, but after the commercial break it’s dark. That’s when they get to the helicopter to take them to the stadium. Audrey finds her father’s note and also realizes that Boudreau was in on the plan. Just a hunch, but I don’t think Boudreau’s going to be getting any nookie for quite some time.

Meanwhile, poor Jordan Reed has washed up on shore of the canal and calls Navarro in a panic because someone is trying to kill him. Navarro tells him to stay calm and he’ll send help, but instead he lets the assassin know where to go. Navarro’s biggest mistake is underestimating Jordan, who surprisingly gets the jump on the goon and manages to shoot him, even if he does get stabbed in the process. Bottom line is that he’s now onto Navarro. He’s just got to live long enough to do something about it.

Jack checks in with Chloe, but she needs more time in order to decode the info on the disc drive. It could be a very complicated decryption process or she may have just had one too many pints tonight.

So Heller says it’s time to take the field, but first he lets Jack know that he’s pardoned him for everything in the past as well as all the crap he’s pulled today. That’s a pretty nice get out of jail card he’s given Jack, but I have a feeling Boudreau is going to derail this for Jack before it’s all over.

We close the show with President Heller walking out to the center of the field, where Margot’s drone can spot him and confirm his identity via facial recognition. It also asks her if she wants to tag him in a Facebook picture. Margot takes the controls from her son and fires a missile into the stadium, ending President Heller’s life. This also puts the England national football team’s season into serious question, as they now have nowhere to play their home games. And that Elton John concert probably won’t be happening now.

So we bid farewell to President Heller and we wait to see if Margot will keep her word and destroy the drones. Or will her son disobey her orders and take over the operation? Tune in next week and see. 

Instead of Find Goth Chloe, this week we play Find President Heller. Good luck and have fun. 

Find Heller

Jack Will Be Back Shortly

I'm sorry to report that the 24 recap will be delayed this week. Real life reared it's ugly head and I was unable to see the show on Monday night. I'll catch it later in the week and post something at the end the week or over the weekend. 

Until then, KEEP CALM and BAUER ON!

The Scariest Wine Tasting Ever

You're gonna love this one. It's the first ever Monster Men wine tasting episode. We've selected a line of spooky wines to sample. 

On the menu; Ghostly White, Blood Red and Zombie Zin. Are they delicious or horrific? 

Watch and see. 

Follow the Monster Men on Twitter:
Jack: @BackinJack
Hunter: @HunterShea1

24 Live Another Day: Ep 7. – 5pm to 6 pm

Sack Race

It’s 5pm in London. They call it 5 Bells over there. They also call French fries chips. I’ll never truly understand that exotic land. But I digress…  

Mama's got a brand new bag.

We pick up with Simone being picked up off the street, or really peeled off the street. But she’s not quite road kill yet. She’s still alive, so they put her in an ambulance and send her to the hospital. A witness points out 'Lil Jasmine, so she is taken into custody too. 

Chloe picks up the Simone story partially from tracking the phone number Jack gave her and partially from watching the news…  because on a day that there was a riot at the US Embassy, with shots fired and people injured, a bus hitting a pedestrian would certainly dominate the 5 O’clock news.

Margot calls Simone’s cell to see how she’s doing on her murder errand, but the ambulance guy answers her phone and Margot learns what happened and which hospital her daughter is being taken too. So while Jack and Sexy Agent Morgan head for the hospital, so does one of Margot’s drones. But she also sends her goon Kareem in to get some intel. You see hospitals are the easiest places in the world to sneak into. You just slip into the locker room, throw on some scrubs and you can go wherever you want. Not only does Kareem do that, but he also happens to pass Sexy Agent Morgan in the hall just as she’s relaying all of the detail of her conversation with ‘Lil Jasmine. Its amazing timing; Kareem was really hustling. But my dad says he really doesn't try... except during the playoffs. 

Roger that.

Meanwhile, Jack convinces a doctor to revive Simone and let him interrogate her before they send her in for a CAT scan. Although it is totally against the Hippocratic Oath, Jack says please, so the doctor agrees. You see, when dealing with Jack Bauer, the oath goes more like, “First, do no harm… unless Jack needs information. In that case, do as much harm as you want.”

To Jack’s credit, at first he does no harm to Simone. He appeals to her as a concerned aunt who tried to save her niece and sister in-law. When that doesn’t work, Jack moves onto doing harm. He grabs Simone’s pinky stub, but instead of talking, Simone passes out from the pain. He’s actually lucky she did not have her full digit, because we all know what happens when you pull someone’s finger.

Agent Morgan is not happy with Jack’s torture tactics, and since she’s so sexy, Jack apologizes. Then Jack spots a suspicious looking orderly and tells Kareem to freeze. Kareem shoots at them and takes off. They chase him, hoping he can lead them to Margot. Unfortunately, Kareem is gunned down by some hospital cops, so they are back to square one… or ground zero. When Jack checks Kareem’s phone, he realizes they have eight minutes until a drone strikes the building.

Sexy Morgan gets ‘Lil Jasmine out while Jack helps Simone, who refuses to believe her mom would betray her… again. So Jack drops her like a Jack Sack of potatoes and tells her she’s free to stay in the hospital and find out. Simone wisely changes her mind and Jack gets her out just as Margot’s son targets the building and blows it up. Not bad for someone who did not know how to fly a drone three hours ago.

Then Margot and her son spot Jack amongst the chaos and smoke, with the drone camera, and they shoot at the car he, Simone and Sexy Agent Morgan are in. Jack pulls out of his parking space just in time to dodge the missile and a full-scale drone/car chase in on in the streets of London. It’s fast and furious. Margot’s son shoots and misses again, but does take out a building with his next shot. He’s got one missile left when Jack drives under a bridge. This is when the magic happens. Not only do they pull a switch-a-roo and swap cars with another driver, but Jack absolutely demolishes a guy with a right hook in order to get his car. (First do no harm… ah, the hell with it.) Jack also does the old “brick on the gas pedal trick” to send their old car out, which tricks Margot’s son, who blows it up with his last shot. 

But the best part of the whole show happens next. The plan is to get Simone back to CTU, I mean the CIA, but then Jack gets a call from Heller saying he needs to see him at once. So Jack gives Sexy Agent Morgan the Jack Sack and tells her to drop him off. It’s the moment we have all been waiting for. Kate Morgan dons the Jack Sack!!!!  And Sexy Agent Morgan just got sexier. 

It’s the biggest hand off since The Fresh Prince gave Carlton his Chicktionary. (See below.) 

 Meanwhile, back at the CIA, Dr. Claw calls Navarro and tells him that Jordan is onto him. Then we find out that Dr. Claw is actually Adrian Cross. (C’mon, you knew he had to be a bigger bad guy than we had seen so far.) 

Cross tells Navarro to send Jordan out in the field and he’ll take care of him. So Navarro sends Jordan out on a fake errand. Jordan accepts the assignment hand heads to a boat in some small channel. Admiral Ackbar screams, “It’s a trap!” but it’s too late. Jordan is shot and falls into the water. But when the assassin looks for his body to do a double tap, he can’t find him. That’s because Jordan escapes by tossing himself into the sewage currents and escapes like Commissioner Gordon evading Bane in The Dark Knight Rises. (Although Jordan really got the idea from the Jean Valjean’s sewer scene in Les Misérables.) 

 
Finally, before Jack gets to Heller, we find a melancholy and reflective President. The secret of his medical condition is beginning to leak and he announces that he’ll step down after the crisis. But after the carnage at the hospital, Heller seems to have another plan. He Skypes Margot and agrees to turn himself over to her if she promises to call off the drones. She agrees and even says she’ll pinky swear on it. Just ask her daughter Simone. They do it all the time. 

So Heller leaves some stuff for Jack and sneaks out. In the previews for next week we learn that the rendezvous point is Wembley Stadium. That’s where the London half of Live Aid took place. Hopefully Phil Collins will show up in time to save him. And play with the Led Zeppelin reunion.

Find Goth Chloe.

Next week: Simone can’t wake up, Jordan is all wet and Heller is in Margot’s sights.

We close with another round of FIND GOTH CHLOE? Can you spot her? Good luck.

Thoughts, comments, feedback? Leave a comment below.

24 Live Another Day: Ep 6. – 4pm to 5 pm

Lethal Weapon 24

This week we pick up with Navarro and Ritter dusting themselves off at the ruins of their botched raid while President Heller attempts to explain what happened to the Prime Minister. He tells the PM about his plan to unleash Jack Bauer on Rask, the arms dealer that can lead them to Margot. The PM is pretty leery of this and demands access to all the data on the drone program and they agree that the US will coordinate the RAF on air sweeps for the drones. This is a good idea, as the Brits are famous for their sweeping abilities. Just look at how clean their chim-chimneys are.

Heller tells Navarro to get Jack everything he needs for his mission to find Rask. This includes some snazzy new threads, a sexy sidekick named Agent Morgan… and of course, a new Jack Sack. Morgan is surprised to be called back into action and heads over to meet Mr. Bauer.

However, the Prime Minister’s got a hot sidekick of his own, and she has gotten wind of Heller’s Alzheimer’s problem. So now the PM is even more unsure of the President. Naturally, this means he will go behind Heller’s back instead of talking to him, and he orders MI-5 to track Bauer’s movements.

Back at Casa Al-Harazi, Ian flies his drone amongst the clouds while questioning his mother’s judgment by shooting Navid in front of Simone. Margot replies, in her best Dave Chappelle/Rick James voice, “What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!” and whacks him right in the kisser. It’s not wise to question Mommy Dearest.

Then after listening to a voice mail on dead Navid’s phone, Margot sends Simone off to see if Navid’s sister knows anything about their operation. So Simone goes and meets up with Navid’s sister and daughter, ‘Lil Jasmine. Although Simone thinks they are ignorant of the plan, Margot orders Simone to take them out. Simone tries to warn them, but Navid’s sister is spooked and tries to call the cops. Simone ends up stabbing her while little Jasmine watches. ‘Lil Jasmine takes off like a rabbit at the dog track and Simone chases her into traffic. Then, instead of catching ‘Lil Jasmine, Simone catches the 4:55 Double Decker bus to Notting Hill… the hard way. The bus creams her and the last we see of Simone is her bloody body lying on the road.

#BauerInAvengers

Meanwhile, Morgan meets up with Jack, who has Chloe and their man Belcheck on the line. It turns out Jack has been working for Rask for a couple of years now, undercover, using his position to fight crime on his own. Yes, he’s a freaking superhero. I think he should be in the next Avengers movie. Let’s face it, if Black Widow and Hawkeye can be on the team with no super powers, why can’t Jack Bauer? He’d be awesome. And where Iron Man has Jarvis to assist him, Jack’s got Chloe. Could you imagine Jack Bauer interrogating Loki? That would be the greatest scene in movie history. Let’s make this happen people. #BauerInAvengers

Anyway, the plan is to present Morgan to Rask as the CIA agent that another guy ratted to, so Rask won’t suspect Jack anymore. This sounds like a great idea, but it gets even better. Then Jack suggests they sedate Morgan, throw her in the trunk and she can be unconscious the whole time while Jack gets the info they need. Sexy Morgan is no stranger to creepy guys wanting to roofie her, but she trusts Jack and actually gives herself the shot. But MI-5 is watching and when they see Jack put Morgan in the trunk, they consider it a red flag and send a squad to intercept Jack, whom they think has betrayed the President.

While all this is happening, Mark Boudreau gets a call from the Russians, who have gotten his forged promissory note concerning Jack. They are anxious to get their hands on him. Not wanting to get busted, he asks the scary Russian guy if they can discuss the matter later, off the record. So obviously he’s going to betray Jack and the President before the day is done.

Rask is not happy to see Jack and roughs him up a bit before Jack shows him Morgan in the trunk. Rask happens to have something that will wake up Morgan so they can interrogate her, so the plan is already going to hell. But all Jack needs to do is get Rask to log into a bank website and Chloe can upload a virus that will allow them to track Margot’s transactions in the account.

Rask is familiar with the bank and asks Jack if he dealt with a guy named Metzger while he was there, and demands that Jack tell him Metzger’s first name. Chloe can hack into the U.S. Embassy’s security camera system, but she can’t seem to access the bank’s phone list to see if there even is a Metzger. Jack tells Rask there is no Metzger and Rask threatens to shoot him. He asks again and Jack says that’s his final answer. Turns out he’s right and he and Rask have a nice laugh over it.

Meanwhile, Sexy Morgan is woken up and strung up by Rask’s goons and they begin to torture her. They cut her, splash her with filthy water and then go to the old 24 standby, the electric shocker. How many times have we seen Jack in this situation? Things are looking bad for Morgan, and they get even worse when Belcheck gets captured by the MI-5 team. He had taken a sniper position and was about to take out her captors. Instead, MI-5 storms the building just as Rask is logging into the site. But he did not click enter yet. Oh crap!

Riggs Style

A shoot out ensues and that distracts Morgan’s captors. This gives her a chance to escape, Riggs style, like in Lethal Weapon. She pulls the old “strangle them with my legs” move and manages to get a knife and finally escape. She gets a gun and joins the firefight.

Oh, and did I mention she is badass?

While the bullets fly, Jack presses enter and Chloe’s program goes to work. The MI-5 team and Jack take out a bunch of Rask’s men, but Rask starts mowing them down like bowling pins. Jack subdues Rask, but he pulls a grenade and kills pretty much everyone except for Jack and Morgan. Chloe gets a hit on a cell phone and our heroes head off to find it. (Guess what. It’s Simone’s phone.)

Take out Bauer... and Gadget too, while you're at it.

Meanwhile, back at CTU, I mean the CIA, Jordan has spotted something fishy with the computer records concerning Morgan’s husband. He asks Navarro if he can look into but Navarro tells him it can wait. They’ve got to find Margot first. But later Navarro goes into a backroom and calls Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget and tells him that they may have a problem.

So there it is. Navarro is the mole we have all been waiting for. (Guacamole!)

Next week: It’s five o’clock somewhere. Jack visits Simone in the hospital while Margot has a gift delivered by priority drone mail. Meanwhile, Jimmy Buffet enjoys a Hurricane with Alan Jackson. 

Find Goth Chloe

Bauer Bonus
I wanted to end this week with a little game called Find Goth Chloe. It's simple. Look at the picture to the left and tell me which one is Chloe. Good luck.

Got feedback or thoughts? Leave a comment below.