The Bauer in the Plastic Bubble

11 pm

First, a word from our sponsors: Tonight’s episode of 24 is brought to you by your friends at Cisco and WebEx.

In seasons past we have often seen Jack Bauer carry a satchel containing weapons and other equipment slung over his shoulder. I affectionately call this the Jack Sack. Tonight we almost catch a glimpse of the other Jack Sack… the one that Agent Bauer always carries with him. It’s the source of his testicular fortitude and also where he keeps those brass balls of his. We pick up with the CDC arriving at the scene in Bio-Hazard suits. They strip down Jack to his birthday suit, revealing the heavily scarred torso of a real American hero. The doctors gasp in horror… and then they loofah Jack’s nether regions.

Jack becomes a Bubble Boy while he his transported, in quarantine, back to FBI headquarters. His little plastic enclosure in the CDC van looks like something they would cart Dr. Lecter around in. I wonder if Hannibal Bauer would eat Jonas Hodges’ liver with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Meanwhile, Agent Lohan learns of Jack’s exposure to the bio-agent. Like that poor old American Indian that cried about pollution, she sheds a single tear. I wondered if she was sad about Jack being sick or was she just upset that she missed seeing him naked?

When Jack gets back, we find out that although he is not contagious, he has been infected. He’s now Patient Zero. He could start to exhibit symptoms at any moment. And there is no cure.

And Agent Lohan has a bad case of lovin’ Jack. Especially after she heard that he saved the night watchmen at the shipyard. I guess that brass-balled son of a bitch has a heart after all. It’s just hidden under all that scar tissue.

I bet she’d be willing to risk infection, if you know what I mean.

Back at the White House, the silliest thing to happen all season occurs. While Madam President and Olivia discuss candidates to replace Ethan as Chief of Staff, the Prez appoints her own daughter to the rank of Acting Chief of Staff.

Oh, come on now.

Then Madam President gets the news that Jack was framed and that Starkwood has a WMD. So she assembles the cabinet, who basically tell her that taking on Starkwood is like taking on a small army. Oh, and also the law won’t allow a military strike on U.S. soil, so the clowns at the FBI will have to do.

Meanwhile, Tony is brought to Starkwood, where Jonas Hodges starts to question him. Hodges knows Tony will be a tough nut to crack, and he is ready to kill him if he won’t talk. Unfortunately, Hodges lackey Greg (Speed from CSI.) interrupts Hodges and suggests they abort the mission before they get caught. Hodges dismisses him. Later, Greg shoots the guard that is about to kill Tony. The guard was a Washington Redskins fan and was going to get tickets from Hodges if Tony didn’t talk. I’m assuming maybe Greg is a Giants or Cowboys fan… or maybe the Dolphins. After all, he was on CSI: Miami.

Greg says Hodges is nuts and must be stopped. He will help Tony as long as he gets immunity. Tony and him go back to his office and they call the Prez on a secure line. They agree to the deal, and are able to work it all out by using WebEx and a virtual signature, thanks to your friends at Cisco.

Speaking of immunity, something he wishes he had when he was handling the bio-hazard canisters, Jack asks Boss Moss if he can join the raid. Boss Moss appreciates the offer, but he can’t have Jack suddenly seizing up on him with his soon to manifest, deadly and debilitating disease. Jack knows that Boss Moss is right.

So the FBI coordinates with Tony, who has been lead to the appropriate bunker by Greg. The FBI informs Starkwood that they are landing by order of the President. They storm the building, but it is empty! Greg misled them in order to buy Hodges more time. They have to hold Tony back from Greg. Boss Moss is about to fan out his men to search the grounds when they are suddenly surrounded by heavily armed troops in heavily armed vehicles. The trap has been sprung.

Tony and the Starkwood commander both tell each other to stand down, but Starkwood has the upper hand. It’s starting to look like that scene in the shower room from the movie The Rock. And that did not end well for the good guys. (Note: Look for Tony Todd, 24’s own General Juma, in this scene.)

It does not look good for Tony and Boss Moss. Jack and Agent Lohan watch helplessly from back at HQ, thanks to your friends at Cisco.

Next week, Starkwood strikes back, Olivia is forced to get jiggy with the reporter, WebEx stock goes up three points and Jack just might die.

See you then.

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Drop me a line at jack@backinjack.com or post a comment below.