Valentine’s Day in August

BH90210 Ep. 1.2 

Tori Spelling’s road to a 90210 reunion starts in a boardroom, where the FOX executives are surprisingly open to the idea, assuming the entire cast is onboard. Unfortunately for Tori, none of them are. Even if they were, they agree, you’ll never get Shannen. She’s too busy saving the seals.

This clearly is a fictional Shannen Doherty, because in our world, we have not seen much of her since she left Charmed and Scare Tactics. I think she’d be happy for the gig.

One of the executives is a longtime fan of The Niner and mentions that she used to have all of the 90210 dolls. Tori tells her she has the entire set, and then proceeds to pose them in a Peach Pit play-set as she assembles the cast for the reunion. I will refer to these as Chekhov's Dolls, because like Chekhov's Gun, they are showing us the dolls now, and they are going to fire the dolls later on in the show. Well, not literally fire them, but they’ll come into play in a significant way. You know what I mean.

The gang reunite at what seems like a red-carpet event, but it’s just their court date for their shenanigans in Sin City. What happened in Vegas did not stay in Vegas, and now Tori owes $100,000 to the creepy fan that owns the dress she stole. After a lot of bickering, each one of our heroes turns down the opportunity of the reunion.

The highlight of this scene was a subtle nod to Sharknado that we’ve been waiting for, when

Ziering signs a poster for a fan. When this show first came back, I was kind of hoping that Tara Reid would show up as Ziering’s half-robot wife, like in Sharknado. I guess these writers just didn’t have the nards to go there. Missed opportunity.

Tonight was basically a series of scenes where someone was pissed off by someone else and then at the end of the show, they both apologize and reconcile. Also, Tori Spelling decides that indulging the demands of the cast is the fastest way to get them onboard with the show. Let’s take a quick look at how it plays out.

Jennie Garth and her daughter are at odds because her daughter is auditioning for parts and Jennie does not want her acting. This conflict is enough to keep Jennie from joining the reunion. That is until Tori decides to cast Garth’s daughter in the show.

If I remember correctly, Ian Ziering is hesitant to do the show because his impending divorce could cost him half of what he earns. However, he’s on board if Tori agrees to some kind of co-branding scheme and maybe some product placement. I don’t know. My mind was wandering. Just remember… Sharknado.

Priestley is still dealing with the actor that he punched. Gabriel, being part of the Actor's Guild, is able to negotiate a settlement. Priestley must play a super villain on a show and as a bonus, he gets kicked in the nards. But that’s not the last time he’ll get kicked in the nards. Later on, we find out that the new writer for 90210 is this shady guy who’s been blackmailing Priestley’s wife. Turns out he also is the one who got her pregnant. BAM! Another shot in the nards to our hero. (This time figuratively, but probably more painful.) On the bright side, Tori gets him to sign on for the reunion by allowing him to direct the pilot.

Gabriel is the easiest of them all. Not easy as in “She kissed the first girl that made a pass at her.” No, all she really wants is for the Andrea character to be exploring her sexuality. Gabriel also comes clean with her husband about her escapades.

Brian Austin Green bombs at an audition but still gets the part in the movie because his pop star wife promised to do a song for the film. He’s all pissy about it until he calls his best friend, Shannen Doherty, who reminds him that he’s being a schmuck and to lighten up, all while she’s saving a seal on a beach. So Green joins the show instead of doing the movie. Is there nothing Brenda can’t do?

Unfortunately, Green’s stalker is watching as he reconciles with his wife, and it is revealed that he has all of the cast members pictures on his computer. We all know that’s the universal sign for homicidal stalker, so now the fun starts.

It’s Chekhov's Dolls. If you show a doll at the beginning of the show, you must use it at the end of the show. Each of the 90210 gang gets a doll of themselves, one more mutilated than the next. It’s quite disturbing and it’s also a terrible waste, because you can get some pretty good cash for those things on eBay. But... did the stalker send the dolls, or was he a just a red herring?

Last but not least, let’s talk about the highlight of the show. “Holy Emily Valentine!” 

Hi Emily. Wanna play?

Yes, Christine Elise is back, and looking more like Brigitte Nielsen than ever. She showed up as a surprise executive at FOX. I’m glad she made something of herself. I haven’t really seen much of her besides 90210 and Child’s Play 2. I can’t wait to see what kind of trouble she causes.

Next week, more Brenda. Please.

Tata for now.