How Do You Talk To An Angel?

BH90210 Ep. 1.5

This week’s BH90210 went to new heights. Actually, it went to The Heights, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The big set fire has delayed shooting and so has the stalker, who is still at large. Two things have to happen for the show to get back on track. First, there will be an HR investigation looking into the personal business of all the cast, and no improper behavior will be tolerated. Unfortunately, improper behavior is what these people are best at. Second, the gang needs to find out who the stalker is by the end of the day or else production will shut down for good.

So, the gang huddle-up at their favorite hotel and come up with a list of 125 potential suspects consisting of people that may have it in for them. This includes celebrities like Christina Aguilera, Wayne Newton, Ivanka Trump, Vanilla Ice ("he knows"), all the people in Saved By the Bell (which would include Tiffani-Amber Thiessen), Paris Hilton, the prop guy from first two seasons of 90210, Jerry Seinfeld,  Ben Kenobi and Anakin Walker. There were more, but I could not keep up.

They keep coming up empty until Tori takes a bad fall down the stairs and has an epiphany. Wait, she fell down the stairs. Could they be going there?

How do you to talk to an angel, Donna?
You let the stairs do the talking. That's how. 

Tori declares she knows who the stalker is and the gang head out to a local bar where we hear a familiar song playing. There on stage is none other than Jamie Freakin’ Walters. Ray Pruitt himself, and he’s singing his big hit from The Heights; How Do You Talk to an Angel. Now, either they timed that visit perfectly to catch that song, or it’s the only song he ever plays. My money is on the latter.

The gang confront Jamie as Tori explains that Ray Pruitt’s fictional abuse actually did more damage to Walters' acting career than to Donna Martin’s face. The best exchange is between Shannen Doherty and Walters, who don’t know who on earth the other is. Hell, Doherty doesn’t even know how many seasons 90210 ran for after she left. And all Walters seems to know is how to talk to an angel. He knows nothing about the fire on the set. In fact, he’s now a fireman, so he’s the last person that would do something like that. Conveniently, there is a news flash on the TV and the arsonist is revealed as Johnson Deitz, the crazy fan that owned the stolen dress from the first episode.

As an apology to Walters for falsely and publicly accusing him of a crime, the gang jump on stage for an encore of what else, but How Do You Talk to an Angel.  

This is the stuff that keeps me coming back week after week. I want fan service. Cameos, references and callbacks to the original show.

In other news, the running gag about political correctness and #MeToo continued this week. Gabby is basking in the post-coital glow of her recent romp with Christine Elise, but that buzz is killed quickly when Elise asks her to sign a consent form before they do anymore romping.

Same goes for Ian Ziering, who is getting very chummy with his favorite writer. The sexual tension between the two is almost at a Sharknado level, but before that twister can “touch down”, if you know what I mean, she asks him to sign a consent form.

It's in the hole! 

Meanwhile, Jennie Garth is getting very cozy with her booty guard. They spend most of their time watching golf and “sinking putts”, if you know what I mean.

Nobody really cares about this plot line. Garth’s best moment is when she “busts” on Tori Spelling for her fake boobs.

Speaking of boobs, now that the show is back on track, Spelling and Brian Austin Green have to film their big sex scene. She’s a nervous wreck, but he’s calm as a cucumber. Priestly directs the scene, but after a few takes, Tori can’t handle it and storms off set. Later, she hires Melanie, an Intimacy Coordinator to coach her. Melanie keeps interrupting the scene to be sure Tori is comfortable. I believe the term for this is Coitus interruptus, but I could be wrong. Like I said before, I don’t speak French. Or any other language. I have a hard enough time with English.

Speaking of hard, by the end of the episode, Tori has finally overcome her insecurities and nails the “nailing” scene. Her performance is so good that Green actually gets aroused. He must be a method actor.

That reminds me…
What about Brian Austin Green and his stalker son? Amazingly, Green seems to have accepted the fact that he is related to Zach without any kind of DNA proof. He even offers to let Zach call him Dad, but they quickly put the kibosh on that. However, by the end of the show, Green does tell the rest of the gang about his new, old son.

But what about that guy at the end of the show? The one who sneaks Zach’s water bottle out of the recycling bin. Who the heck is he? Did Green hire him to investigate his claim? Maybe Shannen Doherty did. Or maybe he’s just a guy that likes to collect bottles and cans and return them for the deposit at the supermarket. That’s my guess.

We shall see. Tata for now.

Valentine’s Day in August

BH90210 Ep. 1.2 

Tori Spelling’s road to a 90210 reunion starts in a boardroom, where the FOX executives are surprisingly open to the idea, assuming the entire cast is onboard. Unfortunately for Tori, none of them are. Even if they were, they agree, you’ll never get Shannen. She’s too busy saving the seals.

This clearly is a fictional Shannen Doherty, because in our world, we have not seen much of her since she left Charmed and Scare Tactics. I think she’d be happy for the gig.

One of the executives is a longtime fan of The Niner and mentions that she used to have all of the 90210 dolls. Tori tells her she has the entire set, and then proceeds to pose them in a Peach Pit play-set as she assembles the cast for the reunion. I will refer to these as Chekhov's Dolls, because like Chekhov's Gun, they are showing us the dolls now, and they are going to fire the dolls later on in the show. Well, not literally fire them, but they’ll come into play in a significant way. You know what I mean.

The gang reunite at what seems like a red-carpet event, but it’s just their court date for their shenanigans in Sin City. What happened in Vegas did not stay in Vegas, and now Tori owes $100,000 to the creepy fan that owns the dress she stole. After a lot of bickering, each one of our heroes turns down the opportunity of the reunion.

The highlight of this scene was a subtle nod to Sharknado that we’ve been waiting for, when

Ziering signs a poster for a fan. When this show first came back, I was kind of hoping that Tara Reid would show up as Ziering’s half-robot wife, like in Sharknado. I guess these writers just didn’t have the nards to go there. Missed opportunity.

Tonight was basically a series of scenes where someone was pissed off by someone else and then at the end of the show, they both apologize and reconcile. Also, Tori Spelling decides that indulging the demands of the cast is the fastest way to get them onboard with the show. Let’s take a quick look at how it plays out.

Jennie Garth and her daughter are at odds because her daughter is auditioning for parts and Jennie does not want her acting. This conflict is enough to keep Jennie from joining the reunion. That is until Tori decides to cast Garth’s daughter in the show.

If I remember correctly, Ian Ziering is hesitant to do the show because his impending divorce could cost him half of what he earns. However, he’s on board if Tori agrees to some kind of co-branding scheme and maybe some product placement. I don’t know. My mind was wandering. Just remember… Sharknado.

Priestley is still dealing with the actor that he punched. Gabriel, being part of the Actor's Guild, is able to negotiate a settlement. Priestley must play a super villain on a show and as a bonus, he gets kicked in the nards. But that’s not the last time he’ll get kicked in the nards. Later on, we find out that the new writer for 90210 is this shady guy who’s been blackmailing Priestley’s wife. Turns out he also is the one who got her pregnant. BAM! Another shot in the nards to our hero. (This time figuratively, but probably more painful.) On the bright side, Tori gets him to sign on for the reunion by allowing him to direct the pilot.

Gabriel is the easiest of them all. Not easy as in “She kissed the first girl that made a pass at her.” No, all she really wants is for the Andrea character to be exploring her sexuality. Gabriel also comes clean with her husband about her escapades.

Brian Austin Green bombs at an audition but still gets the part in the movie because his pop star wife promised to do a song for the film. He’s all pissy about it until he calls his best friend, Shannen Doherty, who reminds him that he’s being a schmuck and to lighten up, all while she’s saving a seal on a beach. So Green joins the show instead of doing the movie. Is there nothing Brenda can’t do?

Unfortunately, Green’s stalker is watching as he reconciles with his wife, and it is revealed that he has all of the cast members pictures on his computer. We all know that’s the universal sign for homicidal stalker, so now the fun starts.

It’s Chekhov's Dolls. If you show a doll at the beginning of the show, you must use it at the end of the show. Each of the 90210 gang gets a doll of themselves, one more mutilated than the next. It’s quite disturbing and it’s also a terrible waste, because you can get some pretty good cash for those things on eBay. But... did the stalker send the dolls, or was he a just a red herring?

Last but not least, let’s talk about the highlight of the show. “Holy Emily Valentine!” 

Hi Emily. Wanna play?

Yes, Christine Elise is back, and looking more like Brigitte Nielsen than ever. She showed up as a surprise executive at FOX. I’m glad she made something of herself. I haven’t really seen much of her besides 90210 and Child’s Play 2. I can’t wait to see what kind of trouble she causes.

Next week, more Brenda. Please.

Tata for now.