Near Misses and Forbidden Kisses

BH90210 Ep. 1.4

This week’s BH90210 started with a table reading of the pilot episode. Ian Ziering’s favorite writer is devastated when her script is eviscerated by the cast. Each actor complains that she simply is not being true to their characters. Except Shannen Doherty. She does not complain a bit because she’s not even there. Her negotiation is ongoing, so they bring in a reader for her.   

Under the gun to produce a working script, the gang hole up in a lavish Beverly Hills hotel with plenty of interesting nooks and crannies that are perfect for sidebar conversations, confrontations and the inevitable reconciliations.

Tori Spelling finds herself more and more attracted to Brian Austin Green, which makes her want to remove all of their love scenes. To her defense, they give the impression that there are to be a whole lotta love scenes between the two. My god… Is this show going to be on Fox or Skinamax? Tori is also frustrated that her husband does not want to hang around while they doctor the script. That is until he runs into Green’s pop star wife on his way out and they hit it off. Then she becomes jealous. This poor guy can’t win.

Brian Austin Green and his pop star wife have enough problems of their own. After one of her unreleased singles is leaked, they hire a private investigator who discovers that Zak the stalker is the guilty party. It’s a mountain of evidence, since Zak leaves all the clues out in his apartment, like his map, photos, Green’s wallet and probably a document titled How I Plan to Stalk Brian Austin Green. All that was missing was a bloody glove. 

However, when Green confronts him, Zak pulls a reverse Darth Vader and tells Green that he’s his son. All that was missing was the light sabers. And the cut-off hand. 

Shannen Doherty finally shows up and everyone finds out that she negotiated twice as much salary for the show as everyone else. They are all perturbed until she explains that she’s donating 100% of the money to orphans. I’d call BS, but the gang accept it and move on.

Let’s get to the near misses and forbidden kisses.

Jennie Garth and her daughter continue to butt heads over her role in the show. Jennie’s tire also gets slashed, meaning a stalker is still at large, until it’s revealed that her daughter vandalized the car so that Wyatt the bodyguard would stick around. Garth and Wyatt lean in for a smooch but stop when he states that he can’t get involved with a client. Near miss. No problem. Garth fires him and now it’s game on.

Meanwhile, Gabby and Emily Valentine meet up for what Gabby thinks is a date. When she realizes she misread the situation, she’s quite embarrassed. Later in the show, in one of those nooks, the flirting continues and they almost kiss, but Gabby stops again. Near miss. But it’s a short stop, and the two quickly decide that life is too short and we get a full on make-out session. Game on, big time. 

Throughout the episode our heroes continue to bicker and do everything but write a script. What they don’t know is that Ian Ziering has been secretly recording their arguments and sending the videos to the writer, who is holed up in his car with her laptop. Just as it looks like they won’t have a script and all lose their jobs, she arrives with a pile of scripts. They sit for another table read and this time she’s knocked it out of the park. With a little help from Steve Sanders.

Did Muntz light it up?

The next morning the gang head to the studio. There they find the words “STOP ACTING LIKE I’M NOT EVEN HERE” scrawled across the door of the set. Then the doors burst open and we see that the Peach Pit is on fire.

So, who is the arsonist? Who’s been left out? One of the Walsh parents? Tiffany Amber Thiessen? Jamie Walters? Joe E. Tata? Muntz? 

My money is on Christine Elise. Why not make her as crazy as Emily Valentine? End the season with her going to jail and Tori Spelling gets her job at Fox. Maybe Gabby is her accomplice and she goes to jail too and we get a new Netflix prison show called Emily is the New Black. 

Tata for now.