How Do You Talk To An Angel?

BH90210 Ep. 1.5

This week’s BH90210 went to new heights. Actually, it went to The Heights, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The big set fire has delayed shooting and so has the stalker, who is still at large. Two things have to happen for the show to get back on track. First, there will be an HR investigation looking into the personal business of all the cast, and no improper behavior will be tolerated. Unfortunately, improper behavior is what these people are best at. Second, the gang needs to find out who the stalker is by the end of the day or else production will shut down for good.

So, the gang huddle-up at their favorite hotel and come up with a list of 125 potential suspects consisting of people that may have it in for them. This includes celebrities like Christina Aguilera, Wayne Newton, Ivanka Trump, Vanilla Ice ("he knows"), all the people in Saved By the Bell (which would include Tiffani-Amber Thiessen), Paris Hilton, the prop guy from first two seasons of 90210, Jerry Seinfeld,  Ben Kenobi and Anakin Walker. There were more, but I could not keep up.

They keep coming up empty until Tori takes a bad fall down the stairs and has an epiphany. Wait, she fell down the stairs. Could they be going there?

How do you to talk to an angel, Donna?
You let the stairs do the talking. That's how. 

Tori declares she knows who the stalker is and the gang head out to a local bar where we hear a familiar song playing. There on stage is none other than Jamie Freakin’ Walters. Ray Pruitt himself, and he’s singing his big hit from The Heights; How Do You Talk to an Angel. Now, either they timed that visit perfectly to catch that song, or it’s the only song he ever plays. My money is on the latter.

The gang confront Jamie as Tori explains that Ray Pruitt’s fictional abuse actually did more damage to Walters' acting career than to Donna Martin’s face. The best exchange is between Shannen Doherty and Walters, who don’t know who on earth the other is. Hell, Doherty doesn’t even know how many seasons 90210 ran for after she left. And all Walters seems to know is how to talk to an angel. He knows nothing about the fire on the set. In fact, he’s now a fireman, so he’s the last person that would do something like that. Conveniently, there is a news flash on the TV and the arsonist is revealed as Johnson Deitz, the crazy fan that owned the stolen dress from the first episode.

As an apology to Walters for falsely and publicly accusing him of a crime, the gang jump on stage for an encore of what else, but How Do You Talk to an Angel.  

This is the stuff that keeps me coming back week after week. I want fan service. Cameos, references and callbacks to the original show.

In other news, the running gag about political correctness and #MeToo continued this week. Gabby is basking in the post-coital glow of her recent romp with Christine Elise, but that buzz is killed quickly when Elise asks her to sign a consent form before they do anymore romping.

Same goes for Ian Ziering, who is getting very chummy with his favorite writer. The sexual tension between the two is almost at a Sharknado level, but before that twister can “touch down”, if you know what I mean, she asks him to sign a consent form.

It's in the hole! 

Meanwhile, Jennie Garth is getting very cozy with her booty guard. They spend most of their time watching golf and “sinking putts”, if you know what I mean.

Nobody really cares about this plot line. Garth’s best moment is when she “busts” on Tori Spelling for her fake boobs.

Speaking of boobs, now that the show is back on track, Spelling and Brian Austin Green have to film their big sex scene. She’s a nervous wreck, but he’s calm as a cucumber. Priestly directs the scene, but after a few takes, Tori can’t handle it and storms off set. Later, she hires Melanie, an Intimacy Coordinator to coach her. Melanie keeps interrupting the scene to be sure Tori is comfortable. I believe the term for this is Coitus interruptus, but I could be wrong. Like I said before, I don’t speak French. Or any other language. I have a hard enough time with English.

Speaking of hard, by the end of the episode, Tori has finally overcome her insecurities and nails the “nailing” scene. Her performance is so good that Green actually gets aroused. He must be a method actor.

That reminds me…
What about Brian Austin Green and his stalker son? Amazingly, Green seems to have accepted the fact that he is related to Zach without any kind of DNA proof. He even offers to let Zach call him Dad, but they quickly put the kibosh on that. However, by the end of the show, Green does tell the rest of the gang about his new, old son.

But what about that guy at the end of the show? The one who sneaks Zach’s water bottle out of the recycling bin. Who the heck is he? Did Green hire him to investigate his claim? Maybe Shannen Doherty did. Or maybe he’s just a guy that likes to collect bottles and cans and return them for the deposit at the supermarket. That’s my guess.

We shall see. Tata for now.