12 amIt’s midnight, and so this hour of 24 is brought to you by the 1988 Michelob/Eric Clapton commercial featuring the song After Midnight. It's after midnight and Jack Bauer is gonna let it all hang out.
We begin with Josef, who heads to Queens to sell the nuclear rods to Farthead. He’s smart to go to Queens this late, because getting over the bridge into Queens during the day is a nightmare. And if there is a Met game going on… forget about it.
Jack & Sergei call Josef and Sergei begs Josef to turn himself in and accept immunity. Despite the fact that he murdered Josef’s brother, he manages to convince Josef to surrender. It's pretty impressive. Actually, the word impressive does not even do it justice, so I will make up a word. It was Sergalicious.
Unfortunately, Farthead’s men are waiting in the wings and put a Black Eyed Pea right in Josef’s heart. So the rods are still in play and that means someone is going to have to take the blame back at CTU. Rob Weiss, the White House bully, convinces Hastings that Renee is the perfect fall guy… or fall girl. After all, she did stab Vlad fifteen times. Literally two seconds later, a mean woman named Kristen Smith shows up to interrogate Renee.
Jack checks in by phone with Chloe for an update on Renee’s debrief and then gets directly connected to Renee. It is here where Renee asks Jack to clarify what he meant earlier when he said “You have me.” Rather than come right out and profess his love, Jack coyly beats around the bush. It is the least direct thing Jack Bauer will do for the rest of the hour.
Meanwhile, Dana has snuck off to the woods of New Jersey to take care of the Kevin and Nick problem. The Fresh Prince, with some help from Arlo, heads out to find her. The hillbillies are partying in a van with some strippers. Naturally, the strippers never actually get naked, nor do they stick around for long. As a matter of fact, they are so offended by the hillbillies that they decide to walk all the way back to the strip club, through the woods in their stiletto heels. Dana, with a gun and silencer, moves in for the kill, but the Fresh Prince shows up just in time to stop her. They get in his car and Dana finally comes clean about all her dirty little secrets.
I sure hope Freddy had his seatbelt on when she broke that news to him. Meanwhile, back at CTU, Cruella De Smith grills Renee on her past with Vlad and brings her to tears and the brink of a murder confession. But before Renee breaks, Jack Bauer arrives and is apprised of the situation by Chloe. Naturally, his first inclination is to disable a guard and break into the interrogation room. Then he throttles Cruella by the throat and tells her to leave his woman alone. It is one of the most psychopathic and romantic things he’s ever done for a woman. That old softy.
An armed guard tries to stop Jack, but Jack uses a Jedi Mind Trick and just tells him to put the gun away before he gets hurt. Very Sergalicious. Fellas, if you want to impress a woman, I suggest you record this episode and take some notes. Jack and Renee seem bound for freedom (and the closest motel room) when suddenly another guard zaps Jack with a tazer. It’s the second time today that Jack has been subjected to electric shock, and this time he is taken down. I guess he does better with electric shocks if he is hanging by his wrists. They actually have a name for this condition; it’s called Mel Gibson - Lethal Weapon 1 Syndrome.
Meanwhile, Farthead is convinced by the other terrorists that it will be too difficult to get the rods out of the country, so they might as well use them as a bomb instead. But Farthead senses trouble and excuses himself to make a phone call. Once out of site, he whacks his escort with a wrench and is then chased by the other bad guys, who had intended to kill him. Boy, you just can’t trust a terrorist these days, huh?
Back in the woods, the Fresh Prince confronts Kevin and Nick and tells them to get out of town and never comeback. This seems like a good enough deal for Kevin, but as usual, Nick has to cause trouble. As soon as the Fresh Prince turns his back, Nick grabs a gun and moves to kill him. When Kevin protests, Nick stabs him. (I think Nick should go hang out with Farthead’s buddies.) Nick almost gets the drop on the Prince, but Kevin manages to warn Jenny with one of his last breaths… just in the NICK of time.
Get it?
Anyway, the Fresh Price avoids Nick’s shots and blows him away. Dana/Jenny rushes to Kevin and he dies in her arms after apologizing to her. Aww, I guess that evil hillbilly wasn’t so bad after all. GIT-R-DONE!!
I’m telling you, I think they cast this season with characters straight from the Jerry Springer Show. What’s next? Is Renee really Jack’s sister? Or maybe Kristen Smith will turn out to be a transvestite.
Back at CTU, Hastings reads the riot act to Jack, and Jack reads it right back to Hastings. But their testosterone pissing match is interrupted by a call from Farthead. When they hear that he is in danger and willing to make a deal, they mobilize a team to extract him. But since the Fresh Prince is missing, they team will be lead by a wide eyed young buck named Agent Owen, who I think may have been played by the Squeaky Voiced Kid from The Simpsons. Knowing this mission is doomed, Hasting agrees to back off of Renee if Jack comes back to CTU. And none of this in-and-out stuff, he’s gotta be all in, with both feet and a cherry on top. Jack agrees both verbally and non-verbally, but switching the strap on the Jack Sack from the “safety” to the “ready” position.
And that is our queue to strap ourselves in because Jack Bauer is now officially on the clock. It’s after midnight…
Were gonna cause talk and suspicion.
Were gonna give an exhibition.
Were gonna find out what it is all about.
See you next week.
--- Questions? Comments? Feedback? Drop me a line at jack@backinjack.com or post a comment below.
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