Wild Things

BH90210 Ep. 1.6

Can you believe it? The season finale of BH90210 has come and gone.

Hair today, gone tomorrow. 

Each week the show opened with a different character in a dream sequence at the Peach Pit. This week was particularly amusing as we saw old Steve Sanders confront young Steve Sanders. He tells him to cut his hair and lose the belly shirts. Hell, that’s good advice, no matter who you are.

The episode starts with gang awaiting on word on whether the reboot will be picked up or not. It’s between them and a reboot of The OC. There are focus groups being held, so Christine Elise Valentine tells the gang to get out there and promote the show. They can’t rest on their Beverly Hill laurels because Mischa Barton is working it hard, cooking fish at a Bait Shop pop-up. So, the gang pop over to a Peach Pit pop-up to drum up some buzz.

Despite a warning from Christine Elise Valentine, Tori Spelling manages to trick her assistant into sending her the focus group results. Naturally, they are devastated by the audience feedback. Most interesting was that a lot of the audience sensed a sexual chemistry between Brandon and Brenda. This news causes Shannen Doherty to have a racy dream about Priestley. (Which mortifies her.)

HOLD THE DOOR! Is Game of Thrones is rubbing off the 90210 crowd? Could this mean

All in the Family

the Walsh twins might be the next Jamie and Cersei Lannister? You know what they say… A Walsh always pays their debts.

The best part of the Peach Pit pop-up scene also involved Shannen Doherty, when she arrives late, covered in blood. It’s as if she stepped off the set of a Charmed reboot. It turns out it’s just possum blood, which is disgusting. I would not eat in that place. How do you get to that Bait Shop pop-up?

Let’s look at the rest of the gang.

Gabby’s love triangle continued, as her husband and her forbidden lover finally met. Her husband immediately knew what was up. Gabby ‘fesses up and tells him the he’s her best friend. Did she just put her husband in the Friend Zone? That’s cold.

Jennie Garth was also mortified tonight when her IPA sipping booty guard reveals his new JG tattoo. Things are escalating too quickly for her. She’s more “Watch golf and chill” while he’s all inked up on love. So she ends it with him, but continues to try to restore her relationship with her daughter, who has taken a liking to Shannen Doherty. That kind of mortifies Garth. Ironically, thoughts of Jason Priestley don’t seem to mortify Garth at all.

Speaking of Priestley, he’s off in the Bahamas with his wife, who has taken the term “bed rest” to a whole new level. She senses that he will never really embrace his bastard son, so she tells him that they should split up. Bastard son? Could it be the next Jon Snow? Seriously, there are some major Game of Thrones vibes going on here. Anyway, this frees him up to get some of that sweet JG action, if there is a season 2.

Tori Spelling continues to deal with her depressed husband, who is not happy living in her shadow. Plus, she’s got the hots for Brian Austin Green, another guy who is frustrated by living in his wife’s shadow.

Green has the most ridiculous story line this week, which is saying a lot considering this episode includes a dream sequence of Shannen Doherty dressed as a goddess with an owl on her arm. He accepted Zach’s paternity claim without a DNA test, and then he’s angry when his wife does one behind his back. Turns out he’s not the dad. Zach did not technically lie, though. That’s what his mom told him. So Green agrees to act as a father figure until he finds his real dad. In a hilarious twist, Priestley recognizes the photo of the mom and realizes may have found his true son. But that was not the best twist of the night.

Unlike Garth, Ian Ziering wants more than a “Netflix and chill” relationship with Anna, the writer. But she wants him to chill out and keep it casual. So when Ian Ziering runs into Denise Richards at a party, and things heat up, he seals the deal. The two have palpable

I don’t speak French, but I think
the word is ménage à trois.    

chemistry and decide to pick things up when they get back to LA. But his hopes of a relationship with the Real Housewife of Beverly Hills hit a big snag when he learns that Anna is actually her daughter. My mind immediately went to that scene in Wild Things with Richards, Neve Campbell and Matt Dillon. That’s probably not where this is headed, but a guy can dream, right?

Finally, we learn that reboot gets picked up! All is well for a moment, until Christine Elise Valentine informs them that they’ll have to reshoot the pilot, hire a new head writer and they’ll they'd have to film in Canada. This does not bode well for Anna and Garth’s whiny daughter.

Most importantly, FOX can’t afford to bring all seven stars back. We’re left wondering who will get cut. I hope I’m wrong, but I see a red target on Shannen Doherty’s back… and that ain't possum blood.

So that’s it for this season. Will a next season be coming our way? No one knows yet. All we know is that Winter is coming.

Tata for now.

How Do You Talk To An Angel?

BH90210 Ep. 1.5

This week’s BH90210 went to new heights. Actually, it went to The Heights, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The big set fire has delayed shooting and so has the stalker, who is still at large. Two things have to happen for the show to get back on track. First, there will be an HR investigation looking into the personal business of all the cast, and no improper behavior will be tolerated. Unfortunately, improper behavior is what these people are best at. Second, the gang needs to find out who the stalker is by the end of the day or else production will shut down for good.

So, the gang huddle-up at their favorite hotel and come up with a list of 125 potential suspects consisting of people that may have it in for them. This includes celebrities like Christina Aguilera, Wayne Newton, Ivanka Trump, Vanilla Ice ("he knows"), all the people in Saved By the Bell (which would include Tiffani-Amber Thiessen), Paris Hilton, the prop guy from first two seasons of 90210, Jerry Seinfeld,  Ben Kenobi and Anakin Walker. There were more, but I could not keep up.

They keep coming up empty until Tori takes a bad fall down the stairs and has an epiphany. Wait, she fell down the stairs. Could they be going there?

How do you to talk to an angel, Donna?
You let the stairs do the talking. That's how. 

Tori declares she knows who the stalker is and the gang head out to a local bar where we hear a familiar song playing. There on stage is none other than Jamie Freakin’ Walters. Ray Pruitt himself, and he’s singing his big hit from The Heights; How Do You Talk to an Angel. Now, either they timed that visit perfectly to catch that song, or it’s the only song he ever plays. My money is on the latter.

The gang confront Jamie as Tori explains that Ray Pruitt’s fictional abuse actually did more damage to Walters' acting career than to Donna Martin’s face. The best exchange is between Shannen Doherty and Walters, who don’t know who on earth the other is. Hell, Doherty doesn’t even know how many seasons 90210 ran for after she left. And all Walters seems to know is how to talk to an angel. He knows nothing about the fire on the set. In fact, he’s now a fireman, so he’s the last person that would do something like that. Conveniently, there is a news flash on the TV and the arsonist is revealed as Johnson Deitz, the crazy fan that owned the stolen dress from the first episode.

As an apology to Walters for falsely and publicly accusing him of a crime, the gang jump on stage for an encore of what else, but How Do You Talk to an Angel.  

This is the stuff that keeps me coming back week after week. I want fan service. Cameos, references and callbacks to the original show.

In other news, the running gag about political correctness and #MeToo continued this week. Gabby is basking in the post-coital glow of her recent romp with Christine Elise, but that buzz is killed quickly when Elise asks her to sign a consent form before they do anymore romping.

Same goes for Ian Ziering, who is getting very chummy with his favorite writer. The sexual tension between the two is almost at a Sharknado level, but before that twister can “touch down”, if you know what I mean, she asks him to sign a consent form.

It's in the hole! 

Meanwhile, Jennie Garth is getting very cozy with her booty guard. They spend most of their time watching golf and “sinking putts”, if you know what I mean.

Nobody really cares about this plot line. Garth’s best moment is when she “busts” on Tori Spelling for her fake boobs.

Speaking of boobs, now that the show is back on track, Spelling and Brian Austin Green have to film their big sex scene. She’s a nervous wreck, but he’s calm as a cucumber. Priestly directs the scene, but after a few takes, Tori can’t handle it and storms off set. Later, she hires Melanie, an Intimacy Coordinator to coach her. Melanie keeps interrupting the scene to be sure Tori is comfortable. I believe the term for this is Coitus interruptus, but I could be wrong. Like I said before, I don’t speak French. Or any other language. I have a hard enough time with English.

Speaking of hard, by the end of the episode, Tori has finally overcome her insecurities and nails the “nailing” scene. Her performance is so good that Green actually gets aroused. He must be a method actor.

That reminds me…
What about Brian Austin Green and his stalker son? Amazingly, Green seems to have accepted the fact that he is related to Zach without any kind of DNA proof. He even offers to let Zach call him Dad, but they quickly put the kibosh on that. However, by the end of the show, Green does tell the rest of the gang about his new, old son.

But what about that guy at the end of the show? The one who sneaks Zach’s water bottle out of the recycling bin. Who the heck is he? Did Green hire him to investigate his claim? Maybe Shannen Doherty did. Or maybe he’s just a guy that likes to collect bottles and cans and return them for the deposit at the supermarket. That’s my guess.

We shall see. Tata for now.

Near Misses and Forbidden Kisses

BH90210 Ep. 1.4

This week’s BH90210 started with a table reading of the pilot episode. Ian Ziering’s favorite writer is devastated when her script is eviscerated by the cast. Each actor complains that she simply is not being true to their characters. Except Shannen Doherty. She does not complain a bit because she’s not even there. Her negotiation is ongoing, so they bring in a reader for her.   

Under the gun to produce a working script, the gang hole up in a lavish Beverly Hills hotel with plenty of interesting nooks and crannies that are perfect for sidebar conversations, confrontations and the inevitable reconciliations.

Tori Spelling finds herself more and more attracted to Brian Austin Green, which makes her want to remove all of their love scenes. To her defense, they give the impression that there are to be a whole lotta love scenes between the two. My god… Is this show going to be on Fox or Skinamax? Tori is also frustrated that her husband does not want to hang around while they doctor the script. That is until he runs into Green’s pop star wife on his way out and they hit it off. Then she becomes jealous. This poor guy can’t win.

Brian Austin Green and his pop star wife have enough problems of their own. After one of her unreleased singles is leaked, they hire a private investigator who discovers that Zak the stalker is the guilty party. It’s a mountain of evidence, since Zak leaves all the clues out in his apartment, like his map, photos, Green’s wallet and probably a document titled How I Plan to Stalk Brian Austin Green. All that was missing was a bloody glove. 

However, when Green confronts him, Zak pulls a reverse Darth Vader and tells Green that he’s his son. All that was missing was the light sabers. And the cut-off hand. 

Shannen Doherty finally shows up and everyone finds out that she negotiated twice as much salary for the show as everyone else. They are all perturbed until she explains that she’s donating 100% of the money to orphans. I’d call BS, but the gang accept it and move on.

Let’s get to the near misses and forbidden kisses.

Jennie Garth and her daughter continue to butt heads over her role in the show. Jennie’s tire also gets slashed, meaning a stalker is still at large, until it’s revealed that her daughter vandalized the car so that Wyatt the bodyguard would stick around. Garth and Wyatt lean in for a smooch but stop when he states that he can’t get involved with a client. Near miss. No problem. Garth fires him and now it’s game on.

Meanwhile, Gabby and Emily Valentine meet up for what Gabby thinks is a date. When she realizes she misread the situation, she’s quite embarrassed. Later in the show, in one of those nooks, the flirting continues and they almost kiss, but Gabby stops again. Near miss. But it’s a short stop, and the two quickly decide that life is too short and we get a full on make-out session. Game on, big time. 

Throughout the episode our heroes continue to bicker and do everything but write a script. What they don’t know is that Ian Ziering has been secretly recording their arguments and sending the videos to the writer, who is holed up in his car with her laptop. Just as it looks like they won’t have a script and all lose their jobs, she arrives with a pile of scripts. They sit for another table read and this time she’s knocked it out of the park. With a little help from Steve Sanders.

Did Muntz light it up?

The next morning the gang head to the studio. There they find the words “STOP ACTING LIKE I’M NOT EVEN HERE” scrawled across the door of the set. Then the doors burst open and we see that the Peach Pit is on fire.

So, who is the arsonist? Who’s been left out? One of the Walsh parents? Tiffany Amber Thiessen? Jamie Walters? Joe E. Tata? Muntz? 

My money is on Christine Elise. Why not make her as crazy as Emily Valentine? End the season with her going to jail and Tori Spelling gets her job at Fox. Maybe Gabby is her accomplice and she goes to jail too and we get a new Netflix prison show called Emily is the New Black. 

Tata for now.