How Do You Talk To An Angel?

BH90210 Ep. 1.5

This week’s BH90210 went to new heights. Actually, it went to The Heights, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The big set fire has delayed shooting and so has the stalker, who is still at large. Two things have to happen for the show to get back on track. First, there will be an HR investigation looking into the personal business of all the cast, and no improper behavior will be tolerated. Unfortunately, improper behavior is what these people are best at. Second, the gang needs to find out who the stalker is by the end of the day or else production will shut down for good.

So, the gang huddle-up at their favorite hotel and come up with a list of 125 potential suspects consisting of people that may have it in for them. This includes celebrities like Christina Aguilera, Wayne Newton, Ivanka Trump, Vanilla Ice ("he knows"), all the people in Saved By the Bell (which would include Tiffani-Amber Thiessen), Paris Hilton, the prop guy from first two seasons of 90210, Jerry Seinfeld,  Ben Kenobi and Anakin Walker. There were more, but I could not keep up.

They keep coming up empty until Tori takes a bad fall down the stairs and has an epiphany. Wait, she fell down the stairs. Could they be going there?

How do you to talk to an angel, Donna?
You let the stairs do the talking. That's how. 

Tori declares she knows who the stalker is and the gang head out to a local bar where we hear a familiar song playing. There on stage is none other than Jamie Freakin’ Walters. Ray Pruitt himself, and he’s singing his big hit from The Heights; How Do You Talk to an Angel. Now, either they timed that visit perfectly to catch that song, or it’s the only song he ever plays. My money is on the latter.

The gang confront Jamie as Tori explains that Ray Pruitt’s fictional abuse actually did more damage to Walters' acting career than to Donna Martin’s face. The best exchange is between Shannen Doherty and Walters, who don’t know who on earth the other is. Hell, Doherty doesn’t even know how many seasons 90210 ran for after she left. And all Walters seems to know is how to talk to an angel. He knows nothing about the fire on the set. In fact, he’s now a fireman, so he’s the last person that would do something like that. Conveniently, there is a news flash on the TV and the arsonist is revealed as Johnson Deitz, the crazy fan that owned the stolen dress from the first episode.

As an apology to Walters for falsely and publicly accusing him of a crime, the gang jump on stage for an encore of what else, but How Do You Talk to an Angel.  

This is the stuff that keeps me coming back week after week. I want fan service. Cameos, references and callbacks to the original show.

In other news, the running gag about political correctness and #MeToo continued this week. Gabby is basking in the post-coital glow of her recent romp with Christine Elise, but that buzz is killed quickly when Elise asks her to sign a consent form before they do anymore romping.

Same goes for Ian Ziering, who is getting very chummy with his favorite writer. The sexual tension between the two is almost at a Sharknado level, but before that twister can “touch down”, if you know what I mean, she asks him to sign a consent form.

It's in the hole! 

Meanwhile, Jennie Garth is getting very cozy with her booty guard. They spend most of their time watching golf and “sinking putts”, if you know what I mean.

Nobody really cares about this plot line. Garth’s best moment is when she “busts” on Tori Spelling for her fake boobs.

Speaking of boobs, now that the show is back on track, Spelling and Brian Austin Green have to film their big sex scene. She’s a nervous wreck, but he’s calm as a cucumber. Priestly directs the scene, but after a few takes, Tori can’t handle it and storms off set. Later, she hires Melanie, an Intimacy Coordinator to coach her. Melanie keeps interrupting the scene to be sure Tori is comfortable. I believe the term for this is Coitus interruptus, but I could be wrong. Like I said before, I don’t speak French. Or any other language. I have a hard enough time with English.

Speaking of hard, by the end of the episode, Tori has finally overcome her insecurities and nails the “nailing” scene. Her performance is so good that Green actually gets aroused. He must be a method actor.

That reminds me…
What about Brian Austin Green and his stalker son? Amazingly, Green seems to have accepted the fact that he is related to Zach without any kind of DNA proof. He even offers to let Zach call him Dad, but they quickly put the kibosh on that. However, by the end of the show, Green does tell the rest of the gang about his new, old son.

But what about that guy at the end of the show? The one who sneaks Zach’s water bottle out of the recycling bin. Who the heck is he? Did Green hire him to investigate his claim? Maybe Shannen Doherty did. Or maybe he’s just a guy that likes to collect bottles and cans and return them for the deposit at the supermarket. That’s my guess.

We shall see. Tata for now.

Mega Burgers, Babies and Bodyguards

BH90210 Ep. 1.3 

This week’s BH90210 really starts over the weekend, when Ian Ziering took on a tsunami of blue, aquatic flesh-eaters in his the latest Syfy channel movie, Zombie Tidal Wave. Ziering is hoping to ride the wave of his Sharknado success with another low budget, b-movie franchise. As you can guess from the title, this time it’s zombies instead of sharks and tidal waves instead of tornados. Unfortunately, the film was sorely lacking in the humor department, and it really missed the goofy celebrity cameos that made the Sharknado movies so fun. Still, it was impressive to see Ziering keep a straight face throughout the entire film.

Let’s get into this weeks’ BH90210. It was all about Tori Spelling’s struggles as a producer as she tried to juggle the drama of the cast and the pressure from Christine Elise. Elise is no fool and has noticed that Tori has been very generous to the cast, like making Priestley the director and putting Garth in charge of casting.

Mega Burgers for everyone.

It’s in this boardroom scene that two amazing things happen. First Spelling, while complimenting Elise on her work as Emily Valentine, also mentions Chucky, referring to Elise’s role in Child’s Play 2. (Like I did last week.) Then, the magic really happened. Elise calls out Tori with a HUGE Nat reference: “Have you reached out to Joe E. Tata yet? Maybe he’d like to be the CEO of Fox!”

It was a mega-moment.

Then the gang gather for a table reading and continue to bicker like a bunch of spoiled children. Garth and Priestley’s tryst is finally revealed to the group. This leads to a whole lotta “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me” moments and it kicks the tension between Garth and Priestley up to Kelly and Brandon levels.

We also learn that the gang likes to refer to Tori Spelling as T, like Tony Soprano, and Ian Ziering as Z, as in Zombie Tidal Wave.

Speaking of Z, Ziering shows up to the studio hungover from a binge inspired by his divorce. (Which seems to be moving faster than a zombie tidal wave.) He asks a young woman he believes is an assistant for some coffee and compliments her on her looks. He gets hit with a tsunami of #MeToo as he learns that his old shtick with the ladies is now considered inappropriate. In usual Steve Sanders style, he sees himself as the victim and later goes back to the bar to drown his sorrows with the boys. He even does a Bar Mat shot, where he pours of all of the liquid spilled onto the bar mat into a glass. It’s disgusting, and the most impressive thing he’s done since killing a flying great white shark with a chainsaw.

Z also punches the writer that Priestley hates. That lands the gang in group therapy where we get an appearance by Mother Walsh herself, Carol Potter. Apparently, she’s now a therapist. The session does not go well, as the gang continues to bicker and surprisingly downplay the murder dolls they all received. Except for Garth, who decides to get a bodyguard. Or booty-guard. 

Jennie goes home and adjusts to life with a hunky bodyguard and before you can say “Whitney Houston” they are flirting. This enables Garth to lighten up on Priestley and she encourages him to come clean with his wife and maybe give the baby a chance. Priestley takes her advice and tells his wife about Vegas.

However, he simply can’t work with the sleazy writer that knocked her up, so he goes around T and talks to Emily Valentine. Eventually T has to “Nut Up or Shut Up” as a producer, so she gathers her courage and fires the writer. He seems to take it well, but he does one of those faces to the camera as he’s leaving, so we know he’s got something up his sleeve.

Brian Austin Green ends up hiring Zach as his new assistant, mostly because Zach does not seem as enamored with his pop star wife as everyone else.  Unfortunately, Zach is his stalker, and he now has the keys to Green’s house.

Gabby’s husband is not thrilled with her new sexual awaking. She’s into women. He is not a woman. I can see his dilemma. I’ve got one word for him… or maybe it’s three. I don’t know, I don’t speak French, but the word is ménage à trois. Perhaps he should see this as an opportunity and suggest that Gabby bring home a friend. It’s worth a try.

It turns out that Christine Elise is very okay with the direction that Gabby wants to take Andrea on the show, and herself in real life. She encourages Gabby to embrace method acting and to do some research. This leads to Gabby using a dating app and suddenly we realize that Gabrielle Carteris just might make out with Emily Valentine sometime soon.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Tori packs a bag and heads for Peru. There she climbs a mountain and finally makes it to a remote cabin where she finds the key to the entire reunion: Brenda Walsh. Shannen Doherty is finally convinced to join the show after T asks her to rescue her like she rescues all of those animals. How can she say no?

 

The episode ends with the gang recreating a classic group photo from the first season. Hopefully Luke Perry was looking down and smiling.

Next week… will it be a special Valentine’s Day for Gabby?

Tata for now.

Why WARM BODIES Might Just Work on Film

If you've been watching TV lately you must have seen the trailers for the new zombie romantic comedy WARM BODIES. I guess you could call it a Zom Rom Com.

WARM BODIES is a movie based on the novel by Isaac Marion, which is described as a "zombie romance" and is often dismissed as TWILIGHT with zombies. I had never heard of it until my Monster Men podcast partner Hunter Shea reviewed it way back on our third episode, a show dedicated to all things zombie. That was over a year ago. I have included a link to the video below so you can watch the episode. I'll spoil it a bit by telling you that Hunter loved the book. He also added that it essentially moved his wife to tears. Naturally, I was curious and anxious to read it myself.

Shortly thereafter, I read the book. It's definitely a different take on the zombie genre. The story revolves around a zombie known only as "R". He cant remember his entire name. Give him a break, after all he is dead. One day, during an attack on some teenagers, R eats the brain of a guy named Perry and begins to experience emotions for Perry's girlfriend, Julie. R ends up protecting Julie from the rest of his zombie cohorts and takes her back to his home at the airport. Slowly but surely, R continues to regain his humanity and a relationship blossoms between these two unlikely people. What follows is a story of forbidden love between a couple from different worlds, the living and the dead. And these two worlds to do not mix. 

If this all sounds a bit familiar, it's because WARM BODIES is not so much TWILIGHT with zombies, but rather ROMEO and JULIET with zombies. Just look at the two main character's names; R and Julie. 

(I know, I know... TWILIGHT is basically a take on ROMEO and JULIET with vampires. But WARM BODIES is much closer to Shakespeare's actual story.)

I have to admit, I was not as big a fan of the book as my podcast partner was, and to his credit, he is a published horror author and I am not. So he may know literature better than me. However, while I did not "love" the book, I did think it was a pretty good read and an interesting new direction to take the zombie genre. I mean really, how many more DAWN OF THE DEAD ripoffs do we need? If you are looking for something different in a zombie book, it's definitely worth a look.

Not long after I read the book I learned that a movie was in the works. I have to say, at first I did not think it was a good idea. A film version of this book seemed like an inevitable "TWILIGHT with zombies" if there ever was going to be one. Also, the idea of a zombie/human romance might work in a novel, but not everything translates from book to screen that well.

Then, after many months, a trailer finally came out. The first thing that struck me was that
Rob Corddry, from THE DAILY SHOW, OLD SCHOOL and HOT TUB TIME MACHINE, was cast as R's best friend, M. That was unexpected and a good sign. I am a big fan, but he's a funny guy and not one you'd think of for a romantic horror movie. My interest was officially peaked. Then I watched the trailer and I realized that the film was taking a more comedic approach to the material. I have to say, that's pretty smart, or as R might say, "That's using your braaaaaiiiins."

I don't think a serious approach to this adaptation would have worked. Particularly the "Bonies", who are the skeletal elders of the zombie hoards. Also, I just don't know if the general public would buy a zombie/human romance with a straight face. Edward in TWILIGHT may be a vampire, but he's handsome, charming, can talk and does not stink of death. I mean, does the typical movie going female really want to be intimate with a rotting corpse or James Dean with fangs? And does the typical movie going male want to see zombies being all lovey-dovey or does he want to see them eating the flesh of the living? But turn it into a comedy and you suddenly have a lot more leeway... and you'll attract a much larger audience. Girls get their romance (without the hardcore horror) and guys get to see a funny movie, with zombies, that counts as a chick flick for date night. It's a win/win.

This has made me more optimistic about seeing WARM BODIES on the silver screen. Hopefully it works, provides a lot of laughs and maybe even captures some of the spirit and heart of the book. Perhaps it could even join SHAUN OF THE DEAD, ZOMBIELAND and FIDO among the all-time great Zom Coms. I don't know if it will be that good, as the bar is set pretty high, but I am always rooting for a zombie movie to succeed. It's good for the genre and the future of movies of this kind in general. 

Plus, I love the fact we, the Monster Men, told you about this book long before it was on the radar. Not to say "We told you so.", but... we kinda did.

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Click here to see the Monster Men podcast episode with Warm Bodies book review. 

The Monster Men video podcast: A lighthearted conversation about dark topics. We cover horror movies, books, ghost stories, sci-fi and other spooky subjects with a sense of humor and a sense of the macabre. Co-hosted with horror author Hunter Shea. 

The Warm Bodies Trailer: (In theaters 2/1/13.)